How to Become the Emotionally Stable Adults We Needed as Children

Our inner voices are formed based on the outer voices that raise us. But what happens when we were raised by destructive feedback, and we were not taught to appreciate ourselves?

I talk a lot about the importance of parenting in my articles. Sometimes it may feel like I criticize the parenting that has been done in the world so far, a bit too much. But really, I acknowledge that often our folks just try to do what they know best. As little children, we look up to our parents as heroes, lifesavers, and adults who are ‘supposed to be mature all the time.’ Little did we know that quite often they don’t have a clue what maturity is. We realize when we become adults ourselves that our parents are not superheroes – they’re just brutally human, with insecurities, flaws, and imperfections.


What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Stable

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Yet again, some parents manage to be at least more ’emotionally stable’ around their children. What do I mean when I use the term emotional stability in this sense?

There are quite some things I could include here really. I believe that an emotionally stable parent tries to remain calm, when things are a bit shaky, whether with his / her personal life, professional life, or finances within the house. They do not transmit shakiness to their children. They will strive to remain calm and balanced, and seek help from their partner, family & friends, by discussing difficult things outside of the child’s perspective.

This is of high relevance, especially during the first years of children’s development, so they do not grow up with anxiety and dread about their personality and future.

The truth is, children are often raised by parents who do the complete opposite and decide to discuss EVERYTHING in front of their children, making them feel exhausted and left with feelings of guilt, without knowing what is really their fault and what they did wrong. These parents do not necessarily mean any harm either, it’s just that they do not have a clue about how much their immaturity and lack of common sense are impacting the growth of their children. So in these circumstances, some children are raised on their own. They have to take care of themselves, and often become the emotionally stable adults they never really had the chance to meet.


How to Invest in Your Emotional Stability

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We do not really have the choice to choose who raises us, nor how we are raised, as we are very little and we don’t have the capability to decide for ourselves. However, once we have reached a certain age, we realize that it is upon us to do all the ‘work of love’ – as Bell Hooks calls it. It is up to us to understand what we are feeling, how we are manifesting the bad childhood memories and experiences, sabotaging ourselves, and practicing any rituals that make us feel good about ourselves.

Once we try to understand ourselves a little bit better, we also have to figure out ways to connect to our inner senses and figure out ways how we can become more self-compassionate. As a visual person, I like to make a lot of lists and visualize the things that I must change, and try to write about them until I notice that I am actually doing something to change these gained characteristics and patterns.

I say that we should all dare to ask ourselves more questions too, especially questions that make us feel really uncomfortable about ourselves. These are usually the questions that reveal a lot about our personality and can shed some light upon who we are becoming as human beings.

Try to ask yourself, a few of the following questions:

 How often am I connecting with myself?

How often am I saying no to plans I do not like?

How am I feeling around my friends and family? Is there any toxicity that I have to become aware of?

Am I letting changes access my life, or am I becoming a victim of the status quo?

How often am I introspecting, and in what voice am I speaking to myself?

What are some of the main obstacles that are hindering my emotional growth?


The list can keep going, according to what you think you need to unfold about your emotional well-being. But remember, emotional stability requires a lot of patience and work. And it’s ok to continue having moments of confusion, despite your emotional intelligence. In the end, imperfections and insecurities are a part of what makes us humans.


Illustration: GoodStudio/shutterstock


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